


The Art of Uncertainty

by coralhobi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, It's a lot fluffier than expected, Jaehyun's young and scared ok, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Minor Moon Taeil/Seo Youngho | Johnny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 06:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16299875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coralhobi/pseuds/coralhobi
Summary: It's unnerving, the feeling he holds inside his chest. He's scared, so scared of what these feelings could be, what these feelings could change between him and Johnny.





	The Art of Uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> i am finally back!!! after a really long hiatus of writing things that i couldn't put endings to, or didn't like, I pumped out my longest fic yet. i had really bad writers block for a minute, and there's so much saved in my docs that i am definitely going to try to post (eventually!!!) i really don't think I've ever cared so much about a fic that I have written, and making this fic evolve through the editing process this past week has been super duper stressful (but very worth it!!!!!!) i really hope you guys enjoy <3

Jaehyun noticed it for the first time when he had his head in Johnny’s lap, elder’s fingers combing through his honey locks.

 

This.. heart-pulling sort of feeling. It wasn’t an uncomfortable or burning type of sensation, but thoughts of _what_ he could be feeling were a bit unsettling, he supposed. He’s young, only fifteen years of age on his plate, he’s gone through puberty already, _thank god_.

 

He’s eaten today, so it can’t be because he’s hungry, he hasn’t taken any medicine recently, either.

 

Once Johnny sees the concern laced on the younger’s features, he reaches his left hand down to rub circles into Jaehyun’s sides.

 

“What’s got you all worked up?” He asks, voice softer than a cloud.

 

“It’s nothin’. I’m a little anxious for my pre-calc test,” he coughs, “Will you scratch my back?”

 

Johnny hums and pushes Jaehyun to turn over, hands immediately alleviating Jaehyun’s stress. Once the elder starts petting his hair, though, the pounding in his chest quickens.

 

_What could this be?_

 

\------------------

 

Jaehyun has known Johnny since he was a freshman, and when Johnny was a junior in high school. Despite their age difference and the little amount of time they have been friends, it seems they are inseparable.

 

The second time Jaehyun gets this feeling is about eight months later when he and Johnny are celebrating Johnny’s winning touchdown at their last football game. Johnny’s still high on energy, hair damp from his post-game shower. His cheeks are a little flushed too, Jaehyun thinks, he looks like he’s _glowing._

 

After the game, Johnny had ran to find Jaehyun, promptly scooping the younger up into his arms, just about squeezing the soul out of the poor boy. After setting him down though, Johnny’s warm hands on his waist, eyes looking down at Jaehyun like he’s never seen the elder do before, Jaehyun gets that strange feeling again.

 

Johnny looks at him like he’s the night sky, filled with beautiful stars and constellations, he looks at him with adoration and what appears to be wonder in his eyes.

 

But, of course, Jaehyun doesn’t acknowledge this.

 

Perhaps Jaehyun is too _afraid_ to acknowledge this. That look Johnny gave him spurred that dense feeling in his chest, and why would Jaehyun want to feel that? Why would Jaehyun want to feel so… unsure of his emotions?

 

Instead he simply chokes out a, “You did so good, hyung! Wanna go get food?” His cheeks are still flushed pink, he doesn’t know why, but his heart keeps on thumping wildly in his chest.

 

After the hug encounter, they clamber into Johnny’s car, heading to their favorite diner. Jaehyun notices a lot of things he’s never really paid mind to before, like how Johnny hunches over a little when he laughs, or how he plays with his straw, or even how plush Johnny’s lips are. And maybe Jaehyun holds that feeling in his chest while they are eating, maybe he holds that feeling when Johnny looks at him with that gleam in his eye.

 

The warmth in Jaehyun’s chest doesn’t go away until Johnny drops him off at his home that night (only _after_ a long hug, however).

 

When he’s lying in bed that night, chest warm and mind sleepy, he thinks he could get used to this feeling. The uncertainty of what he feels with Johnny isn’t troubling him now. It even lulls him to unconsciousness...

 

\------------------

 

Jaehyun is beginning to get a little unnerved.

 

After all, that feeling happens every single time he’s with Johnny now, and he still has no explanation for it. It doesn’t bother him when he’s alone, in fact, he kind of likes the warm feeling. It’s just when he feels it next to the elder when he feels unsure, especially when things have changed.

 

They’re older now, too, Johnny’s enrolled in college and Jaehyun is stuck as a senior, few months away from graduation.

 

Not only does he feel immature for having… said unknown feeling(s) about his best friend, Johnny’s now in a relationship with a petite red-haired boy named Taeil.

 

Taeil’s sweet, and really pretty, and older, and basically everything Jaehyun is not.

 

Johnny met him on campus one day, at least that’s what he told the younger. After a couple of coffee hang-outs, they hooked up.

 

Their relationship is simple, really. Whenever either of them feel lonely, they meet up and… do whatever. It’s kind of fling-esque, Jaehyun thinks. That’s okay, too, maybe Taeil and Johnny have established their relationship to be like that. But.. something settles deep down in Jaehyun’s gut that he knows isn’t right.

 

Johnny’s a romantic. He’s the walk-you-to-your-door, brings you red roses, kisses you until you’re breathless type. He _loves_ love. It’s quite cute, actually. Jaehyun remembers Johnny telling him he wanted to be married before twenty-five, how he wants to share the rest of his life with someone who understands him.

 

Johnny’s ideals of romance are so grand, it’s a little sad to see him with someone who doesn’t think similarly.

 

Taeil’s quite the opposite in this retrospect. He’s made it clear to Johnny that he wants something light and stress-free. Taeil’s independent, he wants someone who isn’t going to tie him down just yet.

 

\------------------

 

It’s a bit weird to see Johnny kissing someone, Jaehyun notices. It’s a bit discomforting. He’s not really sure why, either. Maybe that’s why he feels so awkward seeing Johnny and Taeil together.

 

The feeling he once held around Johnny isn’t the same anymore. Hell, he doesn’t even see Johnny without Taeil these days.

 

It’s like Johnny can’t spend time with Jaehyun alone. The younger knows this isn’t because of Taeil, either, as Jaehyun knows the elder isn’t one to do that. He’s carefree with the relationship he and Johnny have together. If Johnny wanted to hang out with someone, he absolutely could. Taeil would _never_ try to pull Johnny away from Jaehyun, or anyone, for that matter.

 

Unless, well, Johnny asked him to.

 

\------------------

 

After spending yet another day out with the couple, Johnny takes him home a little earlier than usual. Johnny’s driving, his hand on Taeil’s thigh, who happens to be next to him (in what Jaehyun used to call _his_ seat), which leaves Jaehyun stuck in the back. He doesn’t mind not being in front with Johnny, it’s just… His chest is holding that negative feeling, and for some reason, he feels sad.

 

Everything is seemingly fine in Jaehyun’s life. His grades are high, he got accepted into his dream university, and his best friend was happy.

 

Why wasn’t he, then?

 

Jaehyun’s silent on the ride home, and even if he would’ve spoken, the loud music blasting from the cars’ speakers would have drowned out his words.

Jaehyun gets out of the back seat quickly, whispering a, “Bye, thanks for the ride.” He expects Johnny to open his door and hug him, expects him to at least tell Jaehyun his signature, “I’ll text you, okay?”

 

He doesn’t, though. All of this would be fine, too. He could normally brush things like this off. Maybe Johnny was just in a bad mood? Maybe he was tired?

 

At the end of the day, Jaehyun knows Johnny wouldn’t treat him like this if they were okay, though. Something has shifted negatively between them, and he really doesn’t know what to do.

 

Jaehyun can’t comprehend what he’s feeling in his chest this time. He feels solemn, he feels a bit hollow.

 

Mere seconds after Jaehyun leaves, Johnny quickly speeds off, not even sparing the younger a glance.

 

Once Jaehyun closes the door to his bedroom and lies down on his bed that night, his throat closes up and he lets out a couple of tears. He’s sad, he can’t even fathom why, but he knows it has to be something involving Johnny. All he really wants is that taller boy to be with him, petting his hair, reassuring him that, _‘You’re okay, Jae, we’re okay.’_

 

He doesn’t have that, though. Perhaps he needs an eye-opener. What’s the point of crying if you don’t know _why_ you’re crying?

 

Frustrated and more confused than he has ever felt, he forces himself to sleep, the sounds of raindrops pittering and pattering on his window aiding him in this.

 

\----------

 

After _many_ google searches of what he could be feeling, he comes to the conclusion that he might be in love, and maybe a little heartbroken.

 

Jaehyun knew he liked boys, even telling his parents said information when he was young, but he never expected to fall in love with Johnny, for Christ sake.

 

But… as he thinks about it, maybe he’s been in love since the day they met. Maybe he’s loved Johnny from the day he scratched his back when Jaehyun was anxious, to the day he held him in his arms after winning their last game of the season. Maybe this love he’s held inside for so long has reached his breaking point.

 

This, love, is a brand new category for Jaehyun. He knows he loves Johnny, though. It’s relieving, to understand something that Jaehyun had tried to hide from for too long. He really can’t think of a time he hasn’t loved him.

 

As he recalls every one-on-one moment with Johnny, he feels that warmth in his chest. Or, rather, warmth in his heart.

 

He’s unsure of what he is supposed to do with this newfound information, but after careful consideration, he supposes there’s only one thing he can do:

 

tell Johnny.

 

\---------

 

It turns out that Jaehyun wasn’t the only one pining after all of this time.

 

Taeil breaks up with Johnny less than three weeks later, telling him that, “You have someone so dear to you that you love. You might not even know it, but I can promise you he feels the same, I promise you that he has always felt the same. I, Johnny, I can’t fall in love with someone who is in love with someone else.” He grabs Johnny’s hands, “And… I don’t want you to fall in love with me, because we’re absolutely in the same boat.”

 

“What?” Johnny questions, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

 

“There’s a boy, Sicheng, who is really special to me. Just like how special Jaehyun is to you. I think… I think we both need to tell the people that we love the truth, before we all end up heartbroken.” He smiles, “Besides, I think we’ll all be happier that way. Friends?”

 

“Friends,” he echoes, small smile on his lips.

 

\-------

Johnny pulls up in front of Jaehyun’s house that night, shooting the younger a text to come outside. He figures if Jaehyun felt the same, what could go wrong that already hasn’t?

 

The younger obliges, of course, and slides into the passenger seat, _his_ seat.

 

“Can I take you for a drive? I, uh, there’s some stuff I wanna talk about.” He asks, nerves written all over his own expression.

 

Jaehyun nods, making himself comfortable.

 

“Okay, uh, Taeil and I broke up. And, uh,” he sighs, “I really missed you, Jae.”

 

Immediate concern flashes through Jaehyun, “Wait, why? What happened? Are you okay?”

 

Johnny explains the situation, leaving out the _‘I’m kinda in love with you’_ detail. Jaehyun grabs the elder’s hand, interlacing their fingers together.

 

“I’m really sorry, Johnny.”

 

“Don’t be. Stuff happens.”

 

It’s hard, they both seem to realize. It’s hard to mend something that has been broken for such a little amount of time. It’s _especially_ hard to overcome the nerves, the anxiety, the fear. They found that loving isn’t easy, and neither have even confessed.

 

After about fifteen minutes of silence, Jaehyun asks Johnny to pull over.

 

This tension that they are both feeling, the tension that hangs in the air between them is uncomfortable. It’s unpleasant, Jaehyun doesn’t know if what he is about to say will fix it, either.

 

He hopes so, though. God, he really hopes so.

 

They exchange a brief glance, Jaehyun looking into the elder’s eyes.

 

He looks just as distraught as Jaehyun feels, perhaps he’s feeling skittish of what the younger is going to say. Perhaps he’s _afraid_ of what Jaehyun is going to say.

 

“Johnny, I-” his heart starts pumping faster and faster, anxiety crawling up his skin, “I think, I-I mean I know, uh, I’m in love with you.”

 

Johnny freezes, looking.   


“You don’t have to say anything, and I don’t really expect you to. I think it’s been tearing me apart to hide that from you, though. I just, I don’t even know when it started, but God,” he exhales, “I’m so in love with you, Johnny Seo.” He looks at the elder anxiously, looking for signs of disbelief or disgust.

 

All he gets, though, are a pair of eyes looking down at him like he’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He gets the same look that he received all those years ago, a look filled with warmth and love. Before he knows it, Johnny leaning in, the younger’s cheek cradled in his hand. He kisses him, oh so soft, until Jaehyun finally realizes that, _‘Oh, this is actually happening,’_

 

And so they kiss for what seems like hours in Johnny’s car. They kiss until their lips are bruised pink and have oxygen deprived lungs. Somehow Jaehyun manages to be seated in Johnny’s lap, too, lips trailing down the elder’s neck feverishly. It happens so fast, he thinks, kisses and touches getting more passionate by the second.

 

Jaehyun learns that, yes, Johnny _is_ a romantic. His kisses are undeniably sweet, too, sweeter than honey.

 

They kiss and kiss until they feel comfortable pulling away, shortly after all the adrenaline and tension has finally worn off. When they pull away and look at each other, they can’t help but smile. Johnny’s got a couple of marks down his neck, and Jaehyun’s lips might still be spit slick, but they couldn’t seem to care less. Johnny’s holding him so tightly, too, arms caging him into a  bear hug.

 

They calm down for a few minutes. Johnny’s whispering soft words into Jaehyun’s ear and Jaehyun feels like he’s going to doze off any minute now. He might be sitting in Johnny’s car parked on the side of the road, but he’s probably never felt this content. Sleepy, as well.

 

His heart must feel the same, too, as the feeling it holds isn’t pining or jealousy, it isn’t overbearing, either. It’s soft, it’s a fuzzy feeling. He feels safe wrapped up in Johnny’s arms. He feels safe listening to Johnny’s heartbeat through his green sweater. He thinks that he could definitely get used to this.

 

For the first time, he thinks that maybe he and his heart are right where they belong.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on twt @pickleyanan !!!!!


End file.
